that's it. i finished! another item to check off of my bucket list. i'm not really sure running a half-marathon was actually ON my bucket list, but it's done none-the-less. and i feel good about it. nope. . .i feel GREAT about it! it's all i've talked about for the last 6 months. to anyone and everyone that would listen! (i'm sure they're just as glad as i am that it's over)

i ran to prove to myself that i could do it. that just because (and many of you may not know this) i am a person with type 1 diabetes on an insulin pump, this doesn't mean i am limited to what my body can do. i've struggled with acknowledging my disease for a long time. only a very tight circle know and i'm not one to discuss or complain about it. it is what it is. and here is why. . .

i was raised by two wonderful people who taught me to be strong, independent and self-supporting. but it was my mom who taught be how to deal with cards you're dealt and deal with them optimistically. no time to feel sorry for yourself. that doesn't accomplish anything. so, when i was diagnosed with the disease at the age of 21, her first question was, "where do we go from here?". and i followed her lead. we found a good doctor who started us out on the right path and we adjusted our lifestyle. i have never been a DIABETIC i've always been a PERSON WITH DIABETES. i'm not the poster-child for people with diabetes. oh heaven's no! but, i do my best. i have times when i fail. i fail miserably. but the times i've had that i have succeeded with diabetes far out-weigh them. i've ridden my bike across the state of iowa 5 times, i've been married to my wonderful husband for 17 years, i am the mother of a fantabulous son, AND i've completed my first half-marathon! run and tell that!

i can go on about my disease and how i deal with it. i can list the many times i've cursed it under my breathe. but, for now, let's just celebrate the fact that in spite of my disease i am still living my life to the fullest! i'm waiting anxiously for what comes next.

the healing. . .

Sweet Fiamma. If you know me, you know her story. I've shared it with anyone who would listen. Anyone who would pray. Fiamma is my beautiful sister-cousin. We lost her in December and I'm pissed. There. I. Said. IT. I'm pissed!

i guess i didn't realize how emotional i still was over losing her. after all, her parents and sister are dealing with their loss with such grace and courage. what right do i have? as i type this, a thought has occurred to me. what am i really ticked about? that she's gone? well. . .duh! that she was so young? yes. that she missed out on so many things i've been fortunate to experience? um-hum. that i can't pick up the telephone and check on her and hear her voice? heck-to-the-yeah! but, what i'm most upset about is the fact that God didn't answer my prayers. there. it's out. i'm disheartened that God did not hear my plea for her to be healed. don't tell me, "missie, she WAS healed. she's in heaven now with the Lord." seriously?! not helping. i'm not denying that she's in heaven. i'm not my faith in God or Jesus Christ. (it's a little shaken, i have to admit) what i'm struggling with is that my prayers weren't heard. the times i stood in the shower, hands folded, eyes to heaven and i pleaded. pleaded that she would be cured. i believed that if i had enough faith, she would be saved. now i'm dealing with the guilt that i wasn't faithful enough. what did i miss? were my prayers self-serving? fiamma was a christian. i know that for a fact. she knew she was going to heaven. i'm comforted by that. deep down. but, why didn't God hear MY prayer? OUR prayers? i didn't go to my church for a long time after she passed. too raw. too angry. i miss her with my entire being. is it coincindence that our church focus for the year is prayer? no. but, i'm struggling with the guilt that i've questioned God's purpose in all of this. most of all, i struggle with the thought that, somehow, i screwed up my prayers and God didn't heal Fiamma because of that. yesterday, i went to church. sat by myself. tried to sing. wasn't gettin' it. so, i told myself, "missie, go to your flock meeting. immerse yourself in the Word." i went. that's it. i went. i wanted to share so much with them. to begin to figure out where i had gone wrong with my prayers. why weren't my prayers good enough? why didn't God hear me? i thought i would be able to ask those questions. i was given the opportunity and all i could do was shake my head. not ready. too much guilt. my faith wasn't strong enough to save her.

so, there are the words i've longed to verbalize since we laid our beautiful dancing queen to rest. why weren't my prayers good enough?

Busy Hands

those monkeys have been enjoying themselves in this noggin of mine! above is a snippit of the sock monkey hats i created this past fall/winter. total for the season i stitched over 40 of these little lovely's! husband has been hearing me whisper the sweet stitches in my sleep.

i started crocheting a little over a year ago and this particular monkey has quieted the other monkeys significantly. i will let them out to swing someday soon. for now, i'm content to single, half-double, double, triple and slip-stitch myself into oblivion.

thank you to everyone who has asked for one of my lovelys. each one comes from my heart and allows my mind to be in a place of reflection and tranquility (unless there's a knot) during its creation.

Prime Numbers

It's been a while, a loooong while, since the monkey's have allowed me to settle in and write my next blog post. They've been on overload the last couple of weeks and their swinging has made me dizzy. It feels nice to finally sit and put these thoughts down. One less vine for them to swing from.

I love to read. Nothing too deep. I read for entertainment. To escape. So, I'm constantly reading book reviews to see if the books content interests me. (I'll let you in on a little secret. . .if I don't find the cover interesting, I usually pass up the book. Shallow, I know, but that's how I roll.) Anyway, I read the review of "The Solitude of Prime Numbers" by Paolo Giordano. Mind you, the monkey's in my head have never allowed me to cypher numbers, so the title isn't what attracted me. The book cover has two peas in a pod on the front. I figured it would be about a couple or two friends. I read on and what I read made me stop and think. The review refers to twin primes (two numbers divisible only by one and themselves). Hold on. . .I'm gonna go a little deep. Friendships. It made me start to think about the friendships I have, currently, and the ones I've had for years and years. Which are, truly, few and far between. The review compares this particular friendship in the book as being "so close to each other, almost neighbors" but are separated by an "even number that prevents them from truly touching." Honestly, I feel every friendship is like this in one way or another. Do we ever really come into someones life and stay forever? I don't believe we do. I have dear dear friends that I have had since grade school and high school. We were inseparable at the time. You know, you've signed the yearbooks, "BFF, don't ever change." Guess what? We did. But, guess what else? I still talk to these friends and love them dearly. On a different level. They are no longer the friends I call to cry about my day. To complain about being wronged by someone or something. I have different friends for that now that I'm older. And they, too, have different friends for that. They've moved beyond needing me to play that role in their lives and I've done the same. Life happened. Would I change any of it to go back to the way we were. I don't think so. Because, then, I would not have the relationships I have right now. My husband believes that you really need only one or two "good friends" in your life at any given time. I'm not sure I would go that far. I just don't know about having a true "twin prime". Those friends I had and the friends I have are vital parts of who I am and who I have become. They came into my life and helped me morph into the woman I needed to be so I could be a friend to someone else who needed me in their life at that particular time. I'm okay with that. I'm not trying to be pessimistic about this. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am an ETERNAL optimist! Glass Half Full, I say. I would love it if the bff's we had in grade school were still living down the street, we married brothers and our children play together every day. Sock it to me! But, the older I get, the more I realize the role those friends played in my life and role I hope I played in theirs was really just a "temporary" thing. Dig it? They aren't out of my life and no longer my friends. That would be absurd! We're just playing different roles. So, the next time you're all bummed because you feel like you're losing your best friend in the whole wide world, think about it. You really aren't. You're still going to be friends. You're just going to be divided by more than one and each other. Smooth day!

Smiling to myself. . .

In light of the fact that I am not allowed to run for the next few weeks, I took the opportunity to get out on my bike while the sun was shining. I did the entire 8 miles with a smile on my face. A smile that reflected how I felt being free. Spring brings such a renewal. All of the obvious renewals, the grass, the flowers, the buds on the trees, baby animals, etc. Spring is almost like a new year to me. A new beginning. I peel out of the cocoon of winter, wipe the dust off of my Cannondale, saddle up, clip in and just ride. Just ride. The cobwebs of the day falling behind. No more winter mojo. And I smile. To myself. Smile about nothing and smile about everything. God is good to bring Spring. God is good. And I smile.

What was I thinking?!

Anyone who knows me probably will tell you that, along with my self-diagnosed a.d.d., I am a tad bit o.c.d. I'm not trying to make light of this very serious disease I know it is, truly, debilitating. However, it's the only thing I can come up with to describe how this monkey-mind of mine latches onto an idea or challenge and will not rest until I've accomplished it. No matter what! For instance, cycling. Everyone thought I was crazy for wanting to schlepp myself, on a bicycle, across the state of Iowa during the hottest part of July! I'm now on bicycle number 2, a beaut of a Cannondale roadbike and just turned over 1500 miles on her. This July will make my fourth trip across the rolling hills (Iowa isn't flat, people!) of Iowa, West to East!

Now, let's add to that. . .I'm a wife, working mother, over the age of 40 AND a person with Type 1 diabetes!

Jump forward to November 2009. . .standing in the kitchen of a friends house listening to them discuss the 2010 Indianapolis 500 mini marathon. Hmmmm? This is new. I've never been a runner. Heck, I don't even run if someone's chasing me. I'm a cyclist. Wheels are faster. I need to lose weight to be a runner. I don't have time to be a runner. Well, maybe I should try it. Maybe they would let someone dangle a Little Debbie Zebra cake in front of me along the route? That should spur me on. AAACCCK! Those blasted monkey's are at it again!!! So far, I'm up to 8 miles. I've only done it once and I didn't do it very fast. They Kenyan's need not worry about me! Tonite, I ran 5 miles and it almost killed me - insert dramatic pause - ! That's it! I made it home and I have my ice pack on my thigh. Dinner is on the table and my family waits for me. I ran. I made it and I can do it. I've gotta find a cage for these crazy monkey's!

Those silly monkey's!

I once read a description someone was giving of what things were like in her head. She compared her thoughts, emotions and tidbits to monkeys swinging from branch to branch in a forest. They don't light very long in one spot, they're constantly in motion and easily distracted. I related to that very well! I'm sure my husband will agree. I am a self-diagnosed gal with creative a.d.d. I've done it all at some point in my life. . .cross-stitch, faux wall paintings, ceramics, oil painting, sketching, rubber-stamping, scrapbooking, jewelry-making, dollhouse and miniatures. . .the list goes on. Those cheeky-monkey's keep swinging from branch to branch. I love creating things and having my friends and family oooh! and aaahhh! over them. Sounds self-centered, doesn't it? I, honestly, don't go looking for compliments, but I have to admit it feels pretty good when a monkey that was swinging on a branch jumps to the forest floor and helps me bring the vision to reality. So, for now, humor me. You never know what those silly monkey's are going do next! I hope you enjoy this journey and hang on, it's going to be a bumpy ride!