that's it. i finished! another item to check off of my bucket list. i'm not really sure running a half-marathon was actually ON my bucket list, but it's done none-the-less. and i feel good about it. nope. . .i feel GREAT about it! it's all i've talked about for the last 6 months. to anyone and everyone that would listen! (i'm sure they're just as glad as i am that it's over)

i ran to prove to myself that i could do it. that just because (and many of you may not know this) i am a person with type 1 diabetes on an insulin pump, this doesn't mean i am limited to what my body can do. i've struggled with acknowledging my disease for a long time. only a very tight circle know and i'm not one to discuss or complain about it. it is what it is. and here is why. . .

i was raised by two wonderful people who taught me to be strong, independent and self-supporting. but it was my mom who taught be how to deal with cards you're dealt and deal with them optimistically. no time to feel sorry for yourself. that doesn't accomplish anything. so, when i was diagnosed with the disease at the age of 21, her first question was, "where do we go from here?". and i followed her lead. we found a good doctor who started us out on the right path and we adjusted our lifestyle. i have never been a DIABETIC i've always been a PERSON WITH DIABETES. i'm not the poster-child for people with diabetes. oh heaven's no! but, i do my best. i have times when i fail. i fail miserably. but the times i've had that i have succeeded with diabetes far out-weigh them. i've ridden my bike across the state of iowa 5 times, i've been married to my wonderful husband for 17 years, i am the mother of a fantabulous son, AND i've completed my first half-marathon! run and tell that!

i can go on about my disease and how i deal with it. i can list the many times i've cursed it under my breathe. but, for now, let's just celebrate the fact that in spite of my disease i am still living my life to the fullest! i'm waiting anxiously for what comes next.

the healing. . .

Sweet Fiamma. If you know me, you know her story. I've shared it with anyone who would listen. Anyone who would pray. Fiamma is my beautiful sister-cousin. We lost her in December and I'm pissed. There. I. Said. IT. I'm pissed!

i guess i didn't realize how emotional i still was over losing her. after all, her parents and sister are dealing with their loss with such grace and courage. what right do i have? as i type this, a thought has occurred to me. what am i really ticked about? that she's gone? well. . .duh! that she was so young? yes. that she missed out on so many things i've been fortunate to experience? um-hum. that i can't pick up the telephone and check on her and hear her voice? heck-to-the-yeah! but, what i'm most upset about is the fact that God didn't answer my prayers. there. it's out. i'm disheartened that God did not hear my plea for her to be healed. don't tell me, "missie, she WAS healed. she's in heaven now with the Lord." seriously?! not helping. i'm not denying that she's in heaven. i'm not my faith in God or Jesus Christ. (it's a little shaken, i have to admit) what i'm struggling with is that my prayers weren't heard. the times i stood in the shower, hands folded, eyes to heaven and i pleaded. pleaded that she would be cured. i believed that if i had enough faith, she would be saved. now i'm dealing with the guilt that i wasn't faithful enough. what did i miss? were my prayers self-serving? fiamma was a christian. i know that for a fact. she knew she was going to heaven. i'm comforted by that. deep down. but, why didn't God hear MY prayer? OUR prayers? i didn't go to my church for a long time after she passed. too raw. too angry. i miss her with my entire being. is it coincindence that our church focus for the year is prayer? no. but, i'm struggling with the guilt that i've questioned God's purpose in all of this. most of all, i struggle with the thought that, somehow, i screwed up my prayers and God didn't heal Fiamma because of that. yesterday, i went to church. sat by myself. tried to sing. wasn't gettin' it. so, i told myself, "missie, go to your flock meeting. immerse yourself in the Word." i went. that's it. i went. i wanted to share so much with them. to begin to figure out where i had gone wrong with my prayers. why weren't my prayers good enough? why didn't God hear me? i thought i would be able to ask those questions. i was given the opportunity and all i could do was shake my head. not ready. too much guilt. my faith wasn't strong enough to save her.

so, there are the words i've longed to verbalize since we laid our beautiful dancing queen to rest. why weren't my prayers good enough?