Sweet Fiamma. If you know me, you know her story. I've shared it with anyone who would listen. Anyone who would pray. Fiamma is my beautiful sister-cousin. We lost her in December and I'm pissed. There. I. Said. IT. I'm pissed!
i guess i didn't realize how emotional i still was over losing her. after all, her parents and sister are dealing with their loss with such grace and courage. what right do i have? as i type this, a thought has occurred to me. what am i really ticked about? that she's gone? well. . .duh! that she was so young? yes. that she missed out on so many things i've been fortunate to experience? um-hum. that i can't pick up the telephone and check on her and hear her voice? heck-to-the-yeah! but, what i'm most upset about is the fact that God didn't answer my prayers. there. it's out. i'm disheartened that God did not hear my plea for her to be healed. don't tell me, "missie, she WAS healed. she's in heaven now with the Lord." seriously?! not helping. i'm not denying that she's in heaven. i'm not my faith in God or Jesus Christ. (it's a little shaken, i have to admit) what i'm struggling with is that my prayers weren't heard. the times i stood in the shower, hands folded, eyes to heaven and i pleaded. pleaded that she would be cured. i believed that if i had enough faith, she would be saved. now i'm dealing with the guilt that i wasn't faithful enough. what did i miss? were my prayers self-serving? fiamma was a christian. i know that for a fact. she knew she was going to heaven. i'm comforted by that. deep down. but, why didn't God hear MY prayer? OUR prayers? i didn't go to my church for a long time after she passed. too raw. too angry. i miss her with my entire being. is it coincindence that our church focus for the year is prayer? no. but, i'm struggling with the guilt that i've questioned God's purpose in all of this. most of all, i struggle with the thought that, somehow, i screwed up my prayers and God didn't heal Fiamma because of that. yesterday, i went to church. sat by myself. tried to sing. wasn't gettin' it. so, i told myself, "missie, go to your flock meeting. immerse yourself in the Word." i went. that's it. i went. i wanted to share so much with them. to begin to figure out where i had gone wrong with my prayers. why weren't my prayers good enough? why didn't God hear me? i thought i would be able to ask those questions. i was given the opportunity and all i could do was shake my head. not ready. too much guilt. my faith wasn't strong enough to save her.
so, there are the words i've longed to verbalize since we laid our beautiful dancing queen to rest. why weren't my prayers good enough?
