Sweet Fiamma. If you know me, you know her story. I've shared it with anyone who would listen. Anyone who would pray. Fiamma is my beautiful sister-cousin. We lost her in December and I'm pissed. There. I. Said. IT. I'm pissed!
i guess i didn't realize how emotional i still was over losing her. after all, her parents and sister are dealing with their loss with such grace and courage. what right do i have? as i type this, a thought has occurred to me. what am i really ticked about? that she's gone? well. . .duh! that she was so young? yes. that she missed out on so many things i've been fortunate to experience? um-hum. that i can't pick up the telephone and check on her and hear her voice? heck-to-the-yeah! but, what i'm most upset about is the fact that God didn't answer my prayers. there. it's out. i'm disheartened that God did not hear my plea for her to be healed. don't tell me, "missie, she WAS healed. she's in heaven now with the Lord." seriously?! not helping. i'm not denying that she's in heaven. i'm not my faith in God or Jesus Christ. (it's a little shaken, i have to admit) what i'm struggling with is that my prayers weren't heard. the times i stood in the shower, hands folded, eyes to heaven and i pleaded. pleaded that she would be cured. i believed that if i had enough faith, she would be saved. now i'm dealing with the guilt that i wasn't faithful enough. what did i miss? were my prayers self-serving? fiamma was a christian. i know that for a fact. she knew she was going to heaven. i'm comforted by that. deep down. but, why didn't God hear MY prayer? OUR prayers? i didn't go to my church for a long time after she passed. too raw. too angry. i miss her with my entire being. is it coincindence that our church focus for the year is prayer? no. but, i'm struggling with the guilt that i've questioned God's purpose in all of this. most of all, i struggle with the thought that, somehow, i screwed up my prayers and God didn't heal Fiamma because of that. yesterday, i went to church. sat by myself. tried to sing. wasn't gettin' it. so, i told myself, "missie, go to your flock meeting. immerse yourself in the Word." i went. that's it. i went. i wanted to share so much with them. to begin to figure out where i had gone wrong with my prayers. why weren't my prayers good enough? why didn't God hear me? i thought i would be able to ask those questions. i was given the opportunity and all i could do was shake my head. not ready. too much guilt. my faith wasn't strong enough to save her.
so, there are the words i've longed to verbalize since we laid our beautiful dancing queen to rest. why weren't my prayers good enough?
I use to tell Fiamma that God only gave you what you could handle... But the more I said it the more doubt I had. I would question God daily as to why this would happen to such an amazing, unique woman. I still don't have the answer, I never will. I too have not been to church, don't know if I'd be able to keep my mouth shut and not curse. The only thing that holds me together is my family, including you. Fiamma's family is my family and I love you all dearly. I have a new sense or poise and maturity thanks to you all. I will never understand why this happened, but I will do everything I can to support research in finding the cure. I hope to be alive when it is found so we can celebrate together that no one will ever have to go through what her family has been through.
ReplyDeleteLove you and miss you much,
Lindsie
"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul." Psalm 143:8
ReplyDeleteSweet, sweet Missie . . . God loves you so . . . He wraps his arms around you, His Daughter, and lets you cry out to him in confusion. He knows your heartache . . . I pray for the peace that surpasses all understanding . . . . for you . . .in His time.
Missie, I just spent a half hour writing you a long reply and when I went to post it said it could not complete the request and I lost it. Maybe what I had to say wasn't all that great, so I'll sum it up in two seconds this time.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear about this, but so glad you're getting your feelings out. It's OK to do that. And what happened is not your fault. It's not about how good our prayers are - if so, we'd be severely limiting God. It's OK to tell God you hate what happened, and that you doubt. He can hold up against any of it.
And I don't mean to contradict Lindsie, but this was huge to me when someone pointed it out. The Bible doesn't say God won't give us more than we can handle; it says He won't tempt us beyond what we can bear. In other words, I take that to mean he'll provide the tools we need to make right choices. But it has nothing to do with how much pain or suffering we'll see.
These are hard questions, and sometimes situations are terrible and don't make sense and don't seem to match up to what we know about God being good. I've been struggling myself for the past couple years. Right now, it may not mean much to have someone say they're praying, but I am praying right now that you will feel His presence, be able to restore your faith, and to know without a doubt that He is with you, hurting alongside you, cradling you in his arms and wiping your tears.... And I pray that you will be able to be honest with Him and let Him work through this with you...
Hang in there.